Rehab / t-minus 10 days

"No matter how great the talent or efforts, some things just take time. You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant."

I am sitting here at 9pm ish - I've taken my drugs early, knowing I need to be up for a work meeting tomorrow at 9:30am - when there is a drug controlling your life any sort of deadline or appointment becomes a challenge, particularly early ones. 9:30am isn't even early, but I know in the morning, I will feel 'rough'. I still take the drug because my mind, my brain, forces me too. As mentioned before, I have no control, it controls me. It constantly puts you into a feeling of dread and drains your motivation. It's no wonder most addicts cannot hold down a job, relationship or any sort of real life.

I had just pulled my bed covers back to discover a chocolate stain inside, it made me laugh a bit because it took me back to a few weeks back when I was at my local drug and alcohol service 'Together EPD'. Me and one of the volunteers, Dave, were chatting and comparing what we had woken up to some mornings, after a while into the night you'll know if you are addicted to drugs that you end up 'binge eating' or going to the fridge without realising - I don't remember having any chocolate last night, but clearly I did.

I have found myself having a bit of a dodgy stomach for the past couple days, I'm not sure if it's down to the anxiety that in 10-days I will be entering rehab and my best friend 'diazepam' (and alcohol) won't be part of my life anymore, or if it's a side effect of dropping my dose slightly - I have been slowing tapering my drug usage over the past couple months.

Tomorrow I am going to start thinking what I will need for a 28-day stay in rehab, maybe my next post will be some sort of 'packing list'. I am trying to think of the travelling part as a holiday, in order to make it less of a strange situation in my head.